Our Decision to Adopt

Dearest Little,

Most of the time I write my letters to you. This one is still for you, but I want to write it for others, too.

I've been thinking a lot lately about sharing why Brent and I have decided to adopt. How, and why, and when a couple chooses to build their family is a very personal decision and everyone makes different choices for different reasons. Adoption is not for everyone. But it is for us.

I've shared on here before about my life-long desires to be a mother and have mentioned briefly about our struggle with infertility, but I don't want anyone to think that adoption was just a 'default' choice for us when we weren't able to get pregnant. There is more to it than that and Brent and I spent a lot of time talking about it, reading about it, praying about it before we knew that adoption was the decision that was right for us. If we didn't feel it was right for us with all of our hearts (as we do), then we wouldn't be moving forward with it. Adoption is not an 'easy' way to parenthood.

There were some things that made me feel a bit nervous about adoption at first . . . from the moment that Brent and I started seriously considering it as an option for us, negative information seemed to just pop up all around us. A search for adoption on the internet brought up search results for websites and forums targeted at discouraging birth moms from placing their children, promising that they would regret their decisions, that adoptive parents were greedy and didn't deserve someone else's child, etc. Those websites scared me a bit. It hurt to think that someone would ever think me greedy or undeserving of my child when the desire to be a mother is such a tender feeling in my heart and my only motivations are out of love. And then I swear that EVERY show on TV that I watched had a scene in which someone felt lost and unloved and abandoned because they were adopted and again, it hurt me to imagine any child of mine having to suffer through feelings like that. How could I handle seeing my sweet babies live through pain like that?

All of this negativity felt so crushing and discouraging. And then there came a point that Brent and I realized that those feelings weren't right. That's not how adoption was and would be for us and we needed to ignore the negativity. I began to see how adoption really is a part of Heavenly Father's plan and is a beautiful thing, a gift for everyone one involved. And yes, there are things about adoption that are difficult . . . it is never easy for a birth mother to place her sweet baby, who she loves with all of her heart in someone else's arms. It's not easy for adoptive parents to go through failed adoptions and scams (yes, scams). And it's not easy for a child to really understand at first the reasons why his birth mother placed him. But that is not the end-all of adoption. There is hope, and joy, and a whole lot of love.

When I began to understand adoption this way, my heart rested and felt at peace. Answers to all of my questions emerged and it was clear to me how my Heavenly Father was aware of not only the desires of my heart, but also my baby's and our birth mother's. He had a plan for healing the heartache of our birth mom, and for letting our child know that love was what had brought her into our family. And He has always been by us, giving us strength to withstand the pains of infertility, so why would He leave us now? He had a plan to help us find our baby and if that plan led us through failed adoptions, scams, or whatever - If my heart had to break a million times we would make it and we would be okay because He was by our side. I could be confident in adoption because I could be confident in my Savior.

Then we started to get REALLY excited about adopting (and we still are). For some couples who struggle with infertility, having a biological child is a really important thing to them - they explore every route that they possibly can to conceive on their own . . . and that is perfectly fine for them. Like I said, it is a very personal decision how and when and why a couple decides to build their family. And I don't think that wanting to have biological children is wrong. I'm not downing that. I just want to make the point that for us it is different. While having a child biologically would still be an amazing experience and we would welcome if the opportunity came, it is not as important to us as being parents is. We just want to be a family. To be together and love each other, no matter how that happens. Our baby will be our baby no matter her entrance into the world. And the lovely part of it is, that with adoption we will (hopefully) have the additional blessing of having a sweet birth mother as part of our lives. Someone else for us to love and to love our baby. And that is a beautiful thought to me.

Adoption has become to me a sacred process of love and I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father has brought us to a point where we will be able to be a part of that event.

You Will Know

Dear Little One,

I used to cry almost every day from the deep sadness and emptiness I felt without you. These past few months, as your daddy and I have started the adoption process, I cry almost every day from the joy I feel knowing you will come and from the gratitude that I have for being able to participate the sacred process of adoption. It truly has become such a beautiful and sacred thing to me. My hope for you is that some day you will understand how much love and sacrifice went into bringing you into our family. I believe that there is no greater love than a birth mother has as she makes the brave decision to give you more than she has. I promise that I will raise you to know that. You will know how much so many people love you and how special your entrance into the world was.

Love you, baby.
Momma